It seems like 2016 can’t stop creating routes that’s meant to lead me back to you.And you know what the worst part is?It’s working.My heart is retracing all the ways that I know so well,even though my mind says never again.
I’m more enthralled by you than ever before.
That constant temptation of seeking comfort in your voice.The voice that is the symphony to my soul.
The one that I’m still utterly captivated by 10 years later.
2006:
We first met and I was completely smitten with you.I was high on the pure joy and light that you brought into my life.My love for you came in the forms of tidal waves: rough,complicated but so damn easy all at once.
2009 – 2015:
Goodbye was said,but still you were everywhere.I saw you in the melodies of the songs I used to listen to you sing.I saw you in the empty halls of where we used to meet.Your name echoing loudly at the back of my mind no matter how much I tried to drown it out.I saw fleeting glimpses of your smiles that I so madly adored.
Oh what I would give to be by your side again,to feel the warmth of your voice,the sound of your heart beating and the sparks that your eyes send out.But I should know better.
Present:
Ten years later.We shouldn’t have but we met.You didn’t change a bit.Your voice still sends trembles all over my body,your eyes still captivates my soul.Your familiarity is what I still long for after all these years.
Save me (from loving you).
I still think about you every Christmas.
It’s been nine years but the memory of us meeting for the first time will forever be etched onto me like a scar I would proudly show off.The place was loud and the crowd was rowdy but good natured.You were illuminated by the stage lights and my eyes fell upon you.Everyone was singing along with you,but my heart was playing songs meant only for you.
The corridors of hall 8 soon became a familiar sight every weekend.I would wait for the crowd to slowly disperse and make my way to you.Hanging around making small talk with strangers was something I got accustomed to.I love watching the way you speak to people.How your eyes would burst with sparks of excitement and joy whenever ideas for next week’s session was being thrown around.Or how you would get bashful and your eyes fell to the ground whenever someone complimented you on your singing.But my favourite part will always be our conversations that keeps me thirsting for more and makes me giddy and giggly when I lie in bed at night.The last conversation we had was two days before Christmas,at a carolling gig that you were involved in.It was crowded and my heart was beating like an intense drum solo as my eyes scanned the room looking for you.And there you were,your lips were moving but the words inaudible to me.The intensity of your eyes was something that I could spend the rest of my life drowning within.My feet finally brought me to where you were and out of my mouth escaped a tiny “Hello”.That smile on your face when our eyes made contact will stay indelible in my mind.I can barely remember our conversation now,with only fragments of it come flooding back to me whenever I allowed. But your smell,the way your eyes sparkled and the sound of your voice will never stop haunting me.Having you in my life felt like every single shooting star had exploded across the night skies,bringing the long awaited illumination that it has been longing for.I feel like I finally belonged and you were the only house that could contain my wandering soul.
Nine whole years.I thought I was finally ready to speak about you.But I wasn’t.For I will still crumble at your slightest touch and the mention of your name still sends wildfire sparks within me and they will never extinguish,just like how my aching heart will forever be entwined with yours.
I have often read or been told that my twenties are the best years in my life to have adventures,go wild,chase my dreams and do as I deem fit.That this era is sort of like my invincible years and I can do anything that I want if I put my heart and mind to it.But what I haven’t been told enough though,is how often I can feel lost and unsure about which direction to start moving towards to.And that scares me,It’s like walking into a tunnel without any forms of light,not knowing where my next step leads me to: Will it throw me off a cliff or continue bringing me forward to wherever I should be?
Being in my twenties is also a really confusing time.I find myself constantly trying to figure out what is a society approved behaviour of a 20+ years old and trying to fit myself in.It’s like I am expected to not be as loud and rowdy as teenagers anymore,but at the same time,I haven’t really reached that stage in life yet to constantly be talking about kids,marriage and parenthood.Well,not for my friends and I at least.And then there’s this thing called love,which is so complicated and confusing.It makes me really glad that I’m not in a relationship when I hear about couples constantly falling out over the slightest issues.But like every normal human being,I get knocked by waves of loneliness at times and I would ponder about how wonderful it would be to love someone and for them to love me back as much,if not even more.Especially when I see my friends getting engaged or married,or just random couples along the streets,an overflowing stream of questions starts flooding in.Like “When am I gonna settle down?” or “”Am I even gonna find someone?” or “Why is it so hard for me?”.The list just never seems to end.
Everyone always somehow expects me to conform to society,to swim with the stream and unknowingly imprints a list of to socially acceptable to dos and not to dos during my twenties.So it is now up to me to not fall into that stream,but to continue on with my own path.
I had to say goodbye to two very special people whom have been playing pretty significant roles for the past 2 years plus at work this week.It was an odd mix of emotions,considering how I was not exactly close with them but they have always had my back in undesirable situations and it’s also because of them that I get to work with such an incredible team of people daily.I could not be any more grateful to have crossed paths with them and be a tiny part of the magic that they have created over the years.
Goodbyes are never easy and I am the worst at them.I still so vividly remember how I bawled my eyes out when I had to say my goodbyes at the end of my Iowa trip 5 years back.That was the most heartbreaking goodbye ever in my life this far because of how hard it was to let go.Not knowing if you’ll ever see each other again,and if you do,will that special connection still exist?Or will all the memories threaten to extinguish just like the flames of a flickering candle?It has also got me thinking about how when we say goodbye to people,do we say goodbye to them as a person or to the memories that they have given us?
I think so often we are afraid of goodbyes because we don’t want to let go and want to hold on forever instead.Holding on to the things,memories and people that we are familiar and comfortable with,that gives us that blanket of security and comfort.Because letting go means letting it all be history and erasing everything that you’ve been trying so hard to preserve.
I know it’s a little ironic how my previous post was about beginnings and here I’m writing about goodbyes.Little did I know that beginnings and goodbyes have such a strange,complex connection to them that I’ve been struggling to understand thus far.Because,how can there be goodbyes if there wasn’t any beginnings?Or how can there be beginnings if there wasn’t any goodbyes.
Maybe one day I’ll finally figure out the connection between the both and it will make everything so much easier.But until then,goodbye will remain to be the hardest word for me to utter.
j a y e 